Pliny the Elder couldn’t have said it better. This is one post that is at least three months overdue. Why so late? Perhaps my clarity was somewhat impeded. Perhaps I may have handed out hope to someone who I wouldn’t call hopeless but in terms of my life, would be worth less than a common filthy roach *harsh*. Perhaps I hadn’t felt enough hurt, maybe I needed to feel a whole lot of things before I could actually know exactly what it was that I had to regret. I guess a couple of bottles of 2008 Chateau fontaine may have given me the clarity I have so needed for a while now.
I was foolish, wouldn’t say naive but definitely carried away. I let my guard down and let someone in when I never should have. When he said all the things he wanted me to hear, it sounded amazing. It was like someone was speaking directly to my heart. I got promises, assurances, gestures, but never gifts. Oh no… we didn’t want to be materialistic now. Well, I gave a gift. Quite an expensive one too. Cost me some cut backs but at the time, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. I sacrificed my time, my space and myself for someone who hated the fact that he might have to do the same for me when I needed him to. He didn’t hesitate depending on me for almost everything but when I needed to depend on him, he didn’t hesitate looking in my face and sending me away.
I was with a guy whose happiness I made a priority but made me a liability to himself except when he needed money, or someone to cater to him, or iron his clothes or cook for him, buy his groceries or help him buy weed or share my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications with or simply someone to just fuck whenever he felt the need to even if I was asleep, even if I wasn’t feeling well, even when I wasn’t feeling it. I was with someone whose word is a thousand times less than a roach’s worth. 90% of every promise he made to me he never kept. I’m just giving him 10% because I’m sure I forgot a couple of promises he might have kept but I’m sure it’s not more than a couple. I don’t blame him. That’s who he was and I chose to accept someone I thought he could be.
What I can’t seem to understand is why I created the illusion I created. Why did I choose to believe that because of his situation, he couldn’t treat me any better and that if things were better for him, he would have been good to me. To him, he believes he treated me well since he never cheated on me. I chose to believe what I believed and I was stupid for that and I regret that. I regret so much with respect to him. In fact, I regret him. But I guess this was the clarity I needed to finally move in without holding anything back. Now I don’t wish him bad or good. I wish him nothing because I am indifferent to him. Let’s just say, I feel the same way about him like I feel about the dirt on the floor. I don’t care. It’s a shame that I gave everything to someone and he took it all and left me with nothing.
Yes, I can finally say, from my heart, I’m actually over him. He is a closed chapter in my life I never wish to reopen. I’m happy picking up the pieces of my mistakes and making sense of my life. And it seems to be working out just fine.
You ever be touching on ya self and get a text message that just throws you off?
My mom texted me a whole prayer one time yo.
Like she wrote out the entire prayer including the “Father God, in the name of Jesus…” at the beginning, and the “…In Jesus name, Amen” at the end.
I reblogged this from The Whatever, the funniest doggone blog I have ever done seen! If you want some of the ding-dong funniest posts EVER on your dashboard…
But witty intelligence is even better.
I like someone who isn’t afraid to tease me and be sarcastic.
I don’t want all our conversations to be serious. What’s the fun in that?